A night of reflection

I haven't slept very well - not really a surprise under the circumstances. I am not going to work today. I told Jane not to expect me this week - and that if I then COULD get back to work earlier it would be a bonus for both of us. This morning I am so tired I dont want to move. I normally do 30 minutes exercise each morning but this morning I can't face it. I know I need to get my mind and emotions sorted out before I try to go back to work. I will want to exercise when my mind is sorted is out.

So have I had any useful insights after thinking about the situation? Well I certainly haven't had a eureka moment where I have seen a strategy that could be the key to sorting everything out. But it is a complex problem . I have found my reiki very useful. I tried applying the 5 principles of reiki to the situation last night and it did help. Reiki is as much about spiritual growth as it is about healing

Just for today do not worry - well worrying doesn't acheive anything . Good advice - but hard to do. But I am NOT worried. I am scared of the unkown future however. But I have faith that whatever happens will be for the best

Just for today do not be angry - there is no point in getting angry with Edna - and one thing I have developed over the last year has been patience.

Honour your parents and teachers - Edna is both parent AND teacher. She is teaching me patience! I am honouring her by doing my level best to make sure her voice gets heard - and by trying to understand what her wishes are.

Show gratitude for every living thing. Gratitude for Alan and his drinking? Gratitude for Edna and her stubborness? That is a tough one. But I have realised both situations have taught me things I needed to know. Also without Edna and Alan I would not have Steve. End of message

Earn your living honestly. Of course I dont earn a living in my dealings with Edna - but I do try to do it with honesty and integrity. It is frightening how much power I have in relation to Edna. The hospital would have accepted me signing the consent form for the operation. If Steve and I go and talk to the consultant and say we feel she should be 'not for resus' they would listen and probably accept. The fear of making the wrong decision keeps me honest in relation to that. I try NOT to take decisions unless I have no choice. That principle is at the heart of everything I do with regard to Edna.

I no lomger feel like acreaming - but yesterdays issues need calm thought - and the question of her competence is suddenly very crucial. Because if she is competent and refusing food do we have the right to overrule her? I dont want to consider the ramifications of her being judged incompetent.