How it all began

Its 5.00 and I can't sleep. The day before yesterday I heard a word that will change my life radically for the remaining months /years of my ex mother-in-laws life. She has been diagnosed with dementia and the plan is to start her on Rivastigmine so I deduce she has Alzheimers.

The fact that she has always been frightened of getting Alzheimers is a very bitter irony under the circumstances.

Edna is 87. She was widowed 20 years ago, and has tragically also outlived both her sons. Her elder son died back in the 60's. Her younger son - my ex husband- died in March 2008 . Her elder sister died in November 2007, her brother-in-law died in March last year and his funeral was on the same day as her sons. Her younger brother lives 400 miles away and is not in good health. So her only active family is myself and my son who is 20 and in the socnd year of univesity.

She lives in a small flat in a warden controlled complex. Like me the wardens have been increasingly concerned about her since last March. But like me assumed her bereavment was the root cause of her depression and forgtefulness. I can't beleive the bereavement is not one of the causatove factors but really does it matter?

The past year has been one of increasing worry. I used to go and see her with my son once every couple of weeks. Since Alan's death I have seen my time with her increase from 2 visits a month to 2 or 3 visits a week. I have been her next -of -kin for some years because her son had a drink problem which left him estranged from her. But it has only been since August last year that this role has become a major one. It was in August that she had her first of what was to be a succession of yo-yo admissions to hospital with a variety of complaints. Prior to Alans death her main problem was COPD which left her very breathless, restricted her mobility and left her unable to eat large meals. She also had some arthritic pain. Since Agust we have added pulmonary embolus and atrial fibrillation to her illnesses - and now dementia

Even before this diagnosis, it was obvious that Edna was going to need much more input from me. So partly becasue of that and partly for other reasons I took early retirment form my job as a pharmacist working in a local hospital. My intention was to work part time as a lcoum and I am getting that sorted out at the moment. I know don't know how much input Edna may need from me, if I will be able to do any work.

The most distressing thing is not the Edna forgets things gets confused and sometimes hallucinates. It is that she says such hurtful things to me. She has several times implied or said straight out she thinks I am only after her money , or am trying to dump her and don't care about her. She was doing this befiore I got the official diagnosis. At least now I know it isn't really her talking.

Although the diagnosis has stunned me - and no despite my medical backgoround I didn't suspect it- it is aso a relief because now I know she can't be discharged back to her flat with an inadequate care package because she dislikes accepting help.She is a fiercly independent woman who doesn't like the idea that she can't do things the way she would like to. However now I know they won't just accept her word for what she can and can't do .

I have so many concerns about how she can best be cared for - but I am determined that she will stay at her flat for as long as possible. In many ways I am amzed she still alive. She gave up wanting to live after Alan died I think. At 87 her life expectancy can't be measured in decades anyway. In some ways I hope she doesn't survive too long since I know she is now in her nightmare scenario.

I want the remainder of her life to be as happy as possible and I will do what I can to ensure that it is