Lack of control

I realised some years ago that I am happiest and at my best when I am in control of events. I also realised I had to take responsibility for my life and my feelings. Happiness is a choice we make not something we struggle to reach.

In many respects Edna's situation is the ultimate in lack of control because there are so many unknowns. The state of her mind, the rate of deterioration, her other medical conditions are all things I can do nothing about - but all have an impact on my life. Because when something goes wrong, it is me that gets the phone call - and it can be at any hour of the day or night. Its like being on call 24/7.

This blog is part of my coping strategy because the thought process involved in blogging often reveals useful insights and can help me keep a sense of perspective. What I said in my last entry about me not coping is true - but responding to an email from Jane made me realise that statement gives a distorted view of what is going on.

There is no doubt Edna's problems do cause me stress. The insane chocolate cravings I was getting after visiting her are a clear sign of that. For someone who is trying to lose weight a chocolate craving is NEVER a good thing. I dont always sleep well and that leaves me little energy for my exercise routine. I havent excercosed this morning yet - but I am determined to do some before I go to work. Edna's crises almost inevitably cause me physical problems. Her first hospital admission -almost a year ago - caused an attack of cystitis that took weeks to fully clear up. Recent events have triggerred IBS.

But I take a appropriate measures and medication when I need it, and somehow I am succeeding in losing wieght (very slowly) dont have high blood pressure or diabetes and unlike so many women of my age I am not on a regimen of regular medication. So my health is prety good.

It isn't the physical aspects of Edna's situation that cause the most stress. I retired and went part time so I would have the time for that. It is the mental/spiritual aspects. Because what I want to acheive is what is best for Edna - not what is best for me. I have to somehow get inside her skin and work out what the torrent of words she bombards me with at every visit really means and help her to be as happy as possible. I have to be so careful not to impose solutions on her. I need a high degree of intuition almost bordering on telepathy. And I dont have that at the moment. I am however taking steps to increase my understanding/intuition so I have more confidence in my abilities. That is the bit I am not yet coping with

I am scared of failing her, scared of being in a postion where I could force a solution onto her that works for me but doesn't work for her. My prayer is always that I will have the wisdome to make the right decsion for Edna. Because however much Edna may dislike it, unless the hospital know I am in agreement with the discharge plan and care package, they can't discharge her.

Its scary having that sort of power over another human beings life